Without fail, each month one of my site’s top search phrases is “when your mother is crazy,” or “how to deal with a crazy mom,” or something similar. (Even more popular is “does strawberry flavor come from beaver butt,” but that’s a whole other story.) It seems like there are a lot of people struggling in their relationship with a mother who has a mental illness, just like I did at one time. I’m writing this post (and stuffing it full of love) for them. For you.
A few things about this topic that I know to be true:
- First and foremost: You are not alone.
- Your mom may not realize she has a mental illness or is behaving irrationally
- It’s difficult to get a person with a mental illness diagnosed. In most states and provinces, they don’t have to get checked out unless they’re deemed a physical threat to themselves or others, and getting to that stage usually requires police intervention.
- Whether your mom gets diagnosed or not, it’s a good idea for you to find a professional to talk to. Start with a family doctor or school counselor. You don’t have to share everything that’s going on if you don’t want to, just that you need a referral for a counselor. If you’re worried about money, look for a resource that is free or low cost. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a good group for support resources, and they have local chapters, too. Some organizations can offer referrals for low-fee therapy, like NW Alliance for Psychoanalytic Study and Seattle Psychoanalytic Society and Institute.
You may never get an answer to “what’s wrong with my mom?” and it’s not always black and white anyway. So, that leaves an open question hanging in the air, but it doesn’t have to stop you from living your life and planning your future.- Your mother is doing the best that she can, given her circumstances.
- Even with a mental illness, your mother is an adult, and is responsible for herself. You’re not responsible for her or her actions.
- Don’t let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from getting help. Also, it’s not uncommon for a child of a mentally ill parent to experience a mental illness. For example, I suffered from depression; it started when I still lived with my mother (who has psychosis). I’ve had years of therapy. Besides helping me heal from the illness, it helped me grow as a person in a zillion different ways. I consider therapy an investment in yourself.
- You deserve self-care. If you have a bad day at home with your mom, take care of yourself. Go for a run. Make a painting. Watch a movie. Hug your pet.
- Your mother loves you, so hold on to that. It may seem the farthest thing from the truth sometimes—or a lot of the time. But her love for you is there, deep in her heart, hidden by “the crazy.” This I know for sure.
Here’s a list of additional resources I created a few years ago, so, possibly a bit outdated, but hopefully still helpful. And for a more narrative perspective on growing up with a mentally ill mother, this essay by Jeri Walker is a gem. ♥
Photos courtesy of Unsplash
Laura, thank you for addressing this issue so directly. My mother suffered with depression for five years after the accidental death of my brother when he was 23. I was only 14 at the time and I know it impacted my last years at home. She fought through silently (and with the help of Valium) and made a recovery. Then, 15 years later, when she and my father had to sell their home of 32 years and move into one room at a retirement home, she fell into a deep depression and became delusional. After much pleading and prayer on my part, she signed the commitment papers and was admitted to a psychiatric unit at Duke Hospital for 6 weeks. There she was under the care of a wise and compassionate doctor who administered EST. When she left the hospital, she was a new person. She was vibrant and engaged in her community and died peacefully five years later (from breast cancer). This depression gene in our family was passed down to me and to at least one of my daughters. I am fortunate to have only struggled with mild depression during times of extreme stress in my life (cancer, divorce). Like you, therapy has been an invaluable tool to help me understand my feelings and grow as a person. As you mentioned, radical self care (Brene Brown and Anne Lamott talk frequently about this) is key. I practice it daily! As always, thank you for the wonderful work you do to bring these important topics to light.
Laura, thank you so much for sharing your mom’s story. The years of her illness weren’t easy, I’m sure, and I’m glad that in the end she made a strong recovery.
My sense of why radical self-care is so important to someone with a mental illness is that sometimes depression (and other illnesses) are triggered when our bodies and souls just reach the end of their rope and don’t know what else to do to survive. It’s a protection response of sorts, when we humans try to push through what’s difficult for us without addressing the underlying emotions and responses. We are so socialized to “push through.” I, too, have learned to stop and observe, and then respond with self-love. It works much better!
You address all of these points so eloquently and with such experience on your side. It’s a long road to get to that place though, but when we avail ourselves to resources, it really does hasten the process. I shared a chapter of my crazy mother memoir with my nonfiction group the other week and they were like, “Whoa, that’s crazy.” And then they also noted amazingly gentle the writing remained where many would piss and moan about having gone through such things. Our mothers really do the best they can, even when that best is tinged with all kinds of crazy.
Thank you for your comment, Jeri, and for sharing your experience. Yeah, I think the “piss and moan” memoirs are best kept to themselves. Write that shit in a journal, and then put on your polyester compassion pantsuit and create something better. Kudos to you for taking that road.
As for getting help, it definitely hastens the healing, and yet I still find I have my 12-year-old kid moments where I want to throw a tantrum or cry. And those moments pop up at random and unexpected times. But luckily, they pass, and more quickly the older I get.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Laura. For me, it was my dad who had mental illness, presumably starting in his teens. Most of my childhood he was in and out of mental institutions. My mom on the other hand, although not mentally ill herself, was not an easy person to be around then. No doubt the stress and strain of coping with my dad’s mental illness while raising four kids had a lot (if not everything) to do with her temperament during those years. But it was a depressive environment and it’s only been since I attained my mid-50s that I don’t feel burdened by depression myself. It’s like I “grew out of it” although very, very slowly 😉
And thank you for sharing, Marie. I don’t think we can ever underestimate how much of an imprint those early experiences with our parents have on us, nor can we underestimate the powers of neuroplasticity, and our brains’ abilities to create new pathways, and therefore, new responses. It can take a long time, but it’s worth it.
A really valuable post, Laura. My mother is no longer with us, but she suffered mental illness that manifested itself in alcoholism and narcissism, a rather destructive mix. I am a mother myself, so my mother’s example is always with me. I wish there had been help for her…but I am very aware of these issues.
Hi Val, thank you for reading, and for sharing your story. I believe the silver lining to having had a mother like yours is that it probably made you a very compassionate mother. xo