Even though I’m writing a memoir about having a mother with a mental illness, and the personal journey that came from that, I don’t blog much about the shifts in thinking and feeling that are still going on in my body and soul. Then, in early October, I attended the Women in Biz Network’s (WIBN) Go For It conference in Vancouver, B.C. and I’m strangely compelled to share what it’s done for me.
Let me start by saying that I’m writing this post for anyone who has ever put the brakes on saying or doing what they wanted because they were afraid they wouldn’t be liked. That their content would be criticized, or someone would laugh at them, or they wouldn’t get invited to the event they wanted to attend, or they’d be ignored completely, or… or… or… .
Are you still with me? I thought so.
Let me also say that I’ll talk more about the actual conference at the end of this post, because I do believe that the organizer and presenters deserve props for the fantastic event they created. But first…
Getting Picked Last for the Team
Something I realized after the WIBN conference is that I’ve craftily avoided acknowledging the fact that I have the same fear of rejection I did when I was nine. Because I’m almost 45, and if I haven’t got my shit together by now and overcome that silly fear, then what does that say about me? How far have I really come in my personal and professional development? Who am I?
Er, …. a flawed human being, just like 95% of the population. And I’m not suggesting that the other 5% are perfect; no, they’re deeply flawed.
So here’s the truth that coated me like butter at the conference (sticky butter that has STUCK to me): it’s not about me.
It’s not about me. It’s not about you, either. It’s about the doing. It’s about the work.
Ask Yourself What’s Holding You Back
If fear of rejection is what’s stopping us from doing what we need or want to do (you can translate “need or want” into whatever fits for you, and you’ll know what it is), then we’re focusing on something over which we have no control—never have, never will–instead of on the things we can actually do.
Danielle LaPorte spoke at the conference, and her bit of butter was to say don’t be attached to the criticism or the praise you receive. Disconnect from them and you’ll be free to follow your passion without distraction. Can you see the wide-open field full of daisies, and you’re running through it with your arms stretched out to the sides? Freedom feels good.
Will the Fear of Rejection Still Be There?
This one, I’m not totally sure about. Probably. But I can detach from it, and I believe you can, too. Watch it float by in a bubble. Oh, hello. Oh, goodbye. And then get on with what we’re here to do.
The WIBN Conference
Leigh Mitchell founded the Women in Biz Network and put together the Vancouver conference with her sister, Jen Boucher. It was a high-stakes undertaking – Fairmont hotel, big-draw speakers, top-tier corporate sponsorship, international attendance – and I saw at least two occasions during the event where Leigh publicly acknowledged the fear in front of her, then pushed it out of the way and kept on trucking. Ultimately, it was one of the things that impressed me most about the weekend, and Leigh.
The presenters had a great combination of wit and wisdom, and they spoke on topics that included product launch, leading a radiant life and business, and building a personal brand, to name a few. There was also yoga and meditation, because you’re useful to no one if you’re disconnected from your center and your spirit is fried tofu.
Here’s the complete list of presenters, with my thanks for what they brought to the event:
- Che Marville
- Denise Pala
- Fay Chapple
- Anastasia Valentine
- Marsha Friedman
- Carla Young, Elena Verlee, Adria MacKenzie and Deb Lowther (panel)
- Leigh Mitchell
- Danielle LaPorte
- Jessica Holmes
For me, one of the nicest things about the WIBN conference has been that I didn’t work at shifting my feelings or beliefs, and yet, it’s happening. I went with an open heart and mind, came home, and felt different. Braver. More objective. Clear. Like if the next new thing I try fails, I’m not going to crap my pants. I don’t go to a lot of conferences, but I’d say this one was a pretty good investment.
Have you ever had an experience at a conference or event that changed your feelings or core beliefs?
Marniy Jones says
That sounds like a powerful revelation. I’m really glad you went to the conference!
Laura Zera says
It was, and me too!
Debbie Young says
Interesting read and a brave post, well done, Laura! Sounds like a really worthwhile conference.
Laura Zera says
Thank you, Debbie!
Jeri says
Fear is such a dastardly dude… I used to kick fear in the teeth every day and by focusing on what I could do I got so far. Then when I decided to quit my job and move to the other side of the country, I found that I let fears–old fears, new fears, and even future fears–overwhelm me. For the past few months I’ve really been working on what I can actually do rather than on things I have no control over. It really does make such a huge difference. I used to be that way, and I want to be so again.
Laura Zera says
And you will be! I find that when I’m working from home “too much” and not out and feeling like I’m amongst the living that the fears come bubbling up. You were working from home, and in a new home, so it’s not surprising that some of your fears stuck their noses into things. It’s amazing what ‘doing’ can do for me. Too much thinking and I’m doomed. 😛
Chris James says
What I find difficult is having the right balance: enough confidence to believe in myself and what I’m trying to do, but not so much that it tips over into blind arrogance. Conversely, “putting the brakes” on self-confidence can easily lead into a dark abyss of self-loathing that nothing I do is any bloody good whatsoever. It’s a very difficult and fine line, and one which, in my experience, validation from others does little to help establish.
Thanks for the post, Laura – glad it wasn’t only me getting picked last for the team when I was 9.
Laura Zera says
I totally get that. If you focus on the work, it takes you away from the ego part, and that should help avoid any perceived or real arrogance. That’s why it’s important to detach from praise, as well. As writers, the work is very personal, but then again, that could be said of a lot of different kinds of work. As a tool, I’m actually practicing to visualize myself standing apart from what I’m doing, looking at it with some distance. It’s helping a bit. 🙂
Tracy L says
I love this post Laura. I had a similar experience last winter. I was working a job I didn’t like and because I had freelanced before, was writing on the side in exchange for ad space for my business. When I realized I liked working on that exchange work more than I liked the work in my job, it was like a light bulb went off. It took me a long time to realize fear is what was stopping me from doing what I love, writing. I had to work through these emotions because I didn’t want fear to win. I love how you put it-“It’s not about me, it’s about doing the work.” Great post!
Laura Zera says
Hi Tracy, and welcome! I’m so glad you had that personal epiphany. It also made me think of another thing: Anne Lamott talks about the ‘one thing at a time’ approach to writing in her book “Bird by Bird,” and that can help with facing a lot of fears. We put our heads into the future so much, but if we can stay in the present — that day, and that day’s work — then you just keep getting further down the path. Thanks for your comment, and again, congrats to you!
Anne Day says
Kudos to you for speaking out and risking that fear of rejection. I was always the last to be picked for teams so I can truly relate to what you are saying . I was at the conference (one of the coaches) and i think one of the key ingredients is that many of the speakers, particularly Daniele Laporte were authentic and real, prepared to be honest about what was happening in their lives. So often we have this fantasy that everyone else’s lives are are perfect… Not.
As participants, we can take their lead and inject that honesty and bravery into our own lives.
Good for you for speaking up.
Laura Zera says
Hi Anne! Thanks for stopping by. Just thinking about what you’ve said, and I concur! Also want to add that there’s a difference between authentically real and people in leadership who ‘share’ their ups and downs, but with some ulterior motive or reason. All the speakers at the conference were definitely authentic, which is what made it so refreshing. And I am ready to take their modeling of that behavior to heart! 🙂
Jagoda says
Oh, a great reminder. I often say, “It’s not about you,” but forget the second half of the statement, “It’s about the work.” I’m so glad this conference helped you. I’m older than you and I still feel like there are things I don’t have my shit together about yet (may never). Sheesh. One of them is fear that people will discover I’m a fraud–not good enough at anything, especially the things I want to be good at. But I keep on keeping on as if I wasn’t afraid. I keep showing up. It’s not about me, it’s about the work. Thanks for this.
Laura Zera says
Ohhhhhh yeah, the ‘imposter’ one is another biggie. When you say you keep showing up, I know you mean physically, and with your heart and soul, and that is really it, isn’t it? Kudos to you for being all in, Jagoda.
Jo Carroll says
Not beliefs as such, but the moment that changed the course of things was the headline in a newspaper that read ‘Gap Years are Wasted on the Young.’
i was in my mid 50s at the time … it took half an hour to decide to give up work (in Child Protection), sell my car, abandon my house and (adult) children and go round the world. Impetuous – yes, but simply the best!
Laura Zera says
Have you read The Four-Hour Work Week, Jo? I’m in the midst of my second read-through. It’s core premise is that we’ve been conditioned to defer all the fun bits of our lives for that elusive, future retirement. But what about now, right? So it’s excellent that you got the message when you needed to hear it, and the rest is history!
Ali Davies says
Hats off to you Laura, for standing up and speaking your truth and keeping it real.
Laura Zera says
Hello, Ali! Thanks for your kind words, and it was really lovely to be able to meet up at this conference. Hope there are more opportunities for that in the future.
Caroline Bell Foster says
Great post Laura (Nice to meet you)
I skimmed through this post last week and it resonated. Then I read it again, because the message is there and more than a light bulb moment. As a writer of multicultural fiction I sometimes get ‘stuck’ on the ‘what if my reader doesn’t understand that phrase’ and stuff like that.
But as you pointed out, EGO & PRAISE play a roll in fear. Can I do it again? Will it be as good? Should I really put myself ‘out there’ again?
So I’m putting my fear in a pink bubble, saying hello and goodbye then focusing on the day. I can only control me
Laura Zera says
YES, Caroline, so nicely encapsulated! (pun intended, and hello, nice to meet you, too!)
I’m so glad that it resonated and thank you for sharing. p.s. Love the part in your site bio about your first ‘published’ work. That would make a great short story.
Kris McCann says
Great Post. Yup. That’s me. Fear of rejection, failure, looking like an idiot, etc has held me back. I’m getting better as I get older. BTW: Was Liza Minella at the event? The woman in the 3rd picture looks like a mash up of Liza and Dina Martina. 😉
Laura Zera says
Thanks, Kris! And yup, getting older is good in the sense that you care less about looking like an idiot. I also now remind myself of how life is unpredictable and sometimes short, so I better get on it.
That was Jessica Holmes doing Liza Minnelli at the event, singing Beyonce’s Single Girls. Pretty funny stuff. Here’s her bio: http://www.jessicaholmes.com/jess/