Everyone would agree that it can really take the wind out of your sails when you spend a lot of time around someone who undermines you, but a recent workplace study published in the Academy of Management Journal tells of an interesting twist. An interactive model was developed to test three types of employee relationships within a police department in the Republic of Slovenia: relationships with social support, ones that were undermining and ones with a mix where someone was both supported and undermined by the same person.
Without a journal subscription, only an abstract of the study is available, however Wharton professor Adam Grant distilled the outcomes in his LinkedIn post this week, titled “What’s Worse Than a Coworker Who Undermines You?” And the answer to Grant’s question? The study showed that the most negative outcomes were reported in a situation where a coworker both undermines and supports you. The Jekyll and Hyde, as Grant calls it.
Psychologists have also studied the Jekyll and Hyde effect on everyday relationships. One study (here’s the abstract) found that the higher the number of ambivalent relationships a person had, the more likely they were to be stressed and depressed. It’s easier and more straightforward to process emotions toward someone whose behavior is consistent. When they’re not, neither are your emotions. The “love/hate” feeling that’s often associated with ambivalence is experienced as psychologically unpleasant when the positive and negative aspects of a subject are present in a person’s mind at the same time, according to ye olde wiki. In one of the study’s testing, this manifested as higher heart rates during anxiety-provoking tasks.
For those of us who grew up in an unpredictable household, some light bulbs may be going off right about now. Here’s the way I’m connecting the dots: when you’re not sure how your parent is going to behave — something that brought hugs on Monday brings a raging temper on Tuesday, as a friend likes to say when remembering her mother — your body kicks into safety mode. The fight-or-flight response is your nervous system’s survival strategy. This creates elevated levels of stress and anxiety. And now, years later, your body may still be physically reacting that way. Our cells have strong memory. The unpredictable relationship that caused your nervous system to go into overdrive in the first place left a lasting impression on your body, even if your mind recovered.
This clicked on like floodlights on a football field for me earlier this month. I went to an acupuncturist to seek relief for my allergies. After she checked out my tongue, hands, feet and belly and took my pulse about sixty-three times, she said, “Your body is ready to fight.” But I was lying on a bed in a dimly-lit room with soft, relaxing music playing in the background. Ready to fight?!? Yes. And it has been for decades.
Over the years, I’d kind of started ignoring aspects of my ‘wound-up-ness’ and accepted it as being my normal. My rational, attentive self knows that it’s not normal, and besides, it doesn’t really feel all that good anyway. Plus, overworked adrenal glands can have long-term ill effects on overall health, so I’m tuning back in to what my body is telling me and, more importantly, working to unwind it. Ambivalence, be damned. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Did this post resonate with you? Have you been on a similar journey? I invite you to share your thoughts.
That study doesn’t surprise me at all–unpredictable behavior is so much harder to deal with than even predictably aggressive behavior. You can’t see it coming, so you ‘duck and hide’ psychologically and, of course, this manifests in your body. I was in a long-term (longer than I should have been) relationship with a guy like that. It took me years to rebuild trust and confidence in myself after that, not to mention other men. Fortunately, with therapy, I did and I’ve now been happily married for over 25 years.
I’m glad you’re tuning in to your body and working to unwind it.
I imagine you’ve worked with this scenario a lot in your career, Jagoda. Rebuilding the trust and confidence at the physical level is where I’ve had lingering symptoms. My mind understands it all, but my body doesn’t know any different. I tried my first hypnotherapy session last week — that will be another blog post! Thanks for reading!
Great post Laura. I’ve been learning things along the same lines. Neural pathways, cellular memory. I’m also very thankful for my TCM Doc. Not sure where’d I’d be without his care.
Thanks, Dawn. So much to learn, hey?! It’s really fascinating, and once I suspend my disbelief and open up my mind to some of the teachings, it does actually make perfect sense. It’s amazing that there is so much that is completely left out of western medicine. Glad you have an eastern medicine doc, too!
You’re right, those light bulbs started flashing like strobe lights while I was reading this. It does make perfect intuitive sense that it’s much easier to work with/for people who are always vile than those who vacillate between vileness and supportiveness. Having the ground rules constantly shift is unnerving and stressful, and if your family background was woefully dysfunctional, the chances of being able to respond in a reasoned, self-aware way are remote.
Fascinating post. Thank you, Laura!
Thanks, Kern! And you know, it doesn’t even have to be vile behavior, I think even with passive aggressive behavior the same stress responses might be triggered. If someone is just direct with you, you can respond appropriately. It’s when you’re left waiting and wondering that the body freaks out.
Totally agree with this, thanks, Laura. My job is full of such “relationships” that keep me permanently in a state of “fight” readiness. Then I get home to my marriage and it gets a whole lot worse *sigh*
Chris, that sucks. 🙁 I hope you find something — breathing exercises, or a quiet, private space or something — that allows your body to find its relaxed state. I’m struggling with sticking to a consistent meditation practice, however I do believe that meditation could do a lot in terms of reprogramming.
Powerful, very powerful!
Thanks for reading, Jodi. 🙂
that’s me 100%, wish I could shut down the system and ‘reboot’ with ‘last known good configuration’ being an african man it’s even more difficult. you cannot show ‘weakness’ and walk with you head held high.
As someone who works in IT, your metaphor made me laugh. It’s perfect. Cultural norms can make it difficult to find the right support and help. I hope you’re able to find support that is private and personal so that you are able to reboot. Thank you for stopping by, and I wish you the best.
My cells do indeed have a strong memory 🙁 I hate how my natural mode is to always be keyed-up. Even though I’ve gone to great measures to eliminate stress from my life it is always there, and I always blame HER even though I shouldn’t. Which probably explains a lot about why I tend to avoid unpredictable scenarios, well at least until my “just do it” switch kicks in. I’ll be sure to take a look at Grant’s LinkedIn article.
I hate that you’re dealing with it too, though not surprised, given our similar histories. Not sure if you saw my comment below but I had a session of hypnotherapy and I think it might be a really cool and helpful thing. Will let you know! Also really really really going to try and make meditation stick in my daily routine. Hey, that’s a cute new gravatar photo. Do I see an inverted bob? 🙂
An extremely insightful and helpful post, Laura. I do find, in a similar yet opposite way, that my childhood of calm , knowing the love surrounding me, set me up with an expectation of an adulthood filled with calm. It hasn’t occurred and I find often I don’t have the personal tools, the learned ability, to deal patiently with any kind of situation even when there is a bit of flustering or turmoil. turmoil or conflict.
Interesting, Jo. What part of you doesn’t respond well — your nervous system or your brain (if you don’t mind me asking)? Thank you for sharing.
ah, interesting question. I’m not sure. I would say…my nervous system. It goes right to the place of worst case scenario.
Hopefully your head can talk you out of it!
This is fascinating Laura, I come from a secure background, but experienced emotional neglect, leaving me with very conflicting feelings for my parents. My own family is very secure now, but I suffer the flight reflex all the time. My anxieties are high and when things don’t work, I run. My husband and kids are very understanding…but it’s hard work when they have to deal with my escapes!
Thankfully, I’m looking for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and am finally on a waiting list for it. I’d like to deal with my fight or flight reflexes!
Hi Lisa, glad to hear you’re on the waiting list and I hope it doesn’t end up being three years like you mentioned before! I think CBT is great, and I found it to be quite helpful. I’m not sure what the NHS’s coverage is like for acupuncture (and Chinese herbs), and they probably don’t cover hypnotherapy, but those are also two options to consider in order to tackle the issue from the body/cellular memory angle. I have been going to acupuncture for a month now and while the changes are subtle, I’m finally, after 25 years, feeling a shift in my body’s response to stress triggers. It also sort of rounds out the work that CBT does.
Wishing you a good journey, and also, that’s a great photo of your gorgeous family on your blog. Having that up on your banner personalizes your site so much. It’s lovely.
What a wake up call. Ringing so true. I have a few of those types at work. I’m glad not to have to interact with them more, because I’m in the classroom and I’m part time so no meetings!
No meetings? That’s golden! Lucky you, Cindy. Thanks for reading!