As the research and writing for my second book (working title: Crazy for You) moves forward, I have come up against some interesting dilemmas. Be warned: there are a lot of unanswered questions in this post.
The situation: I was raised singlehandedly by a mother who has paranoid schizophrenia. While her symptoms grew much worse over the years, they were definitely present throughout my childhood. A lot of the time, she presented as ‘normal’ (whatever that means), especially to those who didn’t know us well or see us very often. For the people who played a consistent role in my life, though – a ballet teacher, the Girl Guides leader, various figure skating coaches, our neighbors – I have often wondered why no one ever reached out to me or my sister. I was under the care of a woman who tried to whiten my teeth by having me brush them with Comet cleanser. Didn’t anybody notice that she was kind of ‘off’? Or were they just too dazzled by my teeth?
That question raised several more for me. If someone had, in fact, noted her weird behavior, was there ever really a way for them to engage (with me, my sister, or my mum) without it coming off as interference? And if they had wanted to help by bringing in a third party, were there resources available who would have worked with us as a family unit instead of going the route of removing us from the home?
Regarding the first part, it seems to me that working with someone who has paranoid schizophrenia must be one of the most difficult scenarios in existence. Right off the bat, the person will be suspicious of any and all motives, for better or worse. There were very few people in our world who weren’t ‘out to get us,’ according to my mum. So, if the parent is prone to immediate rebuff and/or complete denial, how does one connect with the kids?
I vividly recall a scene in Jeanette Walls’s The Glass Castle where someone from a government agency made a visit to her house. The place was in utter shambles and she wasn’t getting basic needs such as food and clothing met, yet she instinctively protected her family and turned the agency representative away. That is probably a fairly typical reaction from a child, especially if they fear removal from the only thing that they know (and probably love) as home and family.
That brings me to the second part of the dilemma: what kinds of resources exist that can offer services to help kids while keeping them in their homes? I think that I might have found one this week – Safe Families for Children (http://www.safe-families.org/), but I would like to know of others.
I have absolutely no idea what was out there when I was growing up in Vancouver, B.C. in the 70s and 80s, but I’d like to think that given the rise in (diagnosed) rates of mental illness, there are more resources now. Robert Whitaker wrote in Anatomy of an Epidemic that the number of Americans on the disability rolls due to mental illness was 1 in 76 by 2007. How many of those people have kids that live with them full-time, I wonder? And if those kids need some support, are they getting it?
I heartily welcome input on this post, and in the meantime, back to my research on this topic.
Anonymous says
Thank you for opening up to something that even in this age is a "off topic" subject. I grew up with an uncle who was first diagnosed as bi-polarand eventually schizophrenia. As a young child, I witnessed unsettling behavior and one day he was sent away somewhere secret. I was told that he ate a raw vegetable from the garden which in turn had a worm that got into his body and ate a hole in his head which made him unwell. Imagine how terrifying that was to a 7 year old at that time! Imagine how that 7 year old was scared to eat a raw snow-pea from the garden and imagine that same child telling others that eating raw peas can cause a worm to eat a hole in your head. Yep, ridiculed into silence.
Silence. That was what happened with the mentally ill family member especially in Asian cultures. Do not say anything about the "crazy" uncle or terrible shame will be brought down on the family! Yes, it was shameful for my family to have a mentally ill member so no one talked about it nor gave it a name. Even the times he was institutionalized, it was not mentioned and if we asked, it was just to the hospital because he was sick.
As I grew up, he was just the uncle who was a little strange but don't all people have their quirks? As an adult I knew what my uncle has and was open to talking about it and accepted him for it. It took me aback that one evening when the whole family was out at a restaurant for dinner, he was enjoying himself and talking. Well, some of the things he said were fine to me but not appropriate to a couple of people who told him to shut up. Yes, keep quiet and don't bring shame to your family was the message.
With that, I do recall your mom being a bit different from other moms. I did hear some of the things she said to you but I was brought up to keep family issues a secret. It's amazing how after all these years we can acknowledge that we have a family member that has a mental illness.
I'm grateful that you are tackling this and writing about it as it is one more step towards erasing the stigma that mental illness carries!
Laura Zera says
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. You've brought up some interesting things for me to think about, e.g. how different cultures respond to mental illness in the family. Family support is such an important element to someone with a mental illness (although in my case our family was pretty distant). And yet even now, in this day and age, there are probably still a lot of families for whom mental illness is 'off topic,' and probably out of fear of the responses that they'll get from the wider society. I really do think that the more we talk about it though, the more the stigma will decrease. History proves that with other topics.
Jo King-VonBargen says
Wow. This brings home so many things to me. As the wife of a man with Asperger syndrome and many accompanying mental disorders, I feel a kinship here. We all suffer from the effects in one way or another, and there's not always effective help or even resources that aren't too far away to avail oneself of. Very thoughtful and insightful writing here, Laura. Can't wait to read more!
Laura Zera says
Jo, thank you for visiting and for your post. Every state and every country has different systems and services for clients and their families, but I still get a strong feeling that we're running a large resource deficit. Resources for physical illness still get so much more focus and funding. It makes it so tough for people that are trying to make their way and keep their families together. Kinship, indeed. That is a resource on which you can't put a price!
E Stelling says
Glad I stumbled upon this. Well I saw you on twitter to begin with.
I also was raised by a PZ parent. I was the only child out of seven who even knew anything was wrong with our childhood. The others I believe had blended into a reality/fantasy zone and all have serious issues themselves. It was passed on via many of their children. I missed out on having a relationship that was ‘normal’ like many of my friends today.
I look forward to reading the finished product and helping promote it!
Laura Zera says
I’m glad that you stumbled upon it as well! It’s so encouraging to connect with people who have had some shared experiences, although wish that they were ‘less trying’ (to put it gently) kinds of experiences! Thank you for your support and I hope that can talk some more in the near future.
Mary Yuhas says
Hi Laura, As you know, my mother had paranoid schizophrenia too. She was committed for a while when I was about nine. Unlike yourself I had a father, and I can’t even imagine living with a schizophrenic parent without other adult around. My brother and I would have had to leave home because it would not have been safe to stay there with her, and I have no idea where we would have gone. I thought about that often as a child. There are some great agencies that I know of in South Florida – HomeSafe and Kids in Distress – that help families in this tragic situation. I’ve written about both for the Sun-Sentinel, and I know that many of the children are there because there parents are mentally ill. Sadly most adults won’t speak up even when it’s obvious that a parent is sick. A friend of mine who has a mentally ill brother summed it up well I thought. “There’s nothing pretty about mental illness. You don’t see celebrities taking it on as a cause.”
Laura Zera says
No, you don’t see celebrities taking it up as a cause, or even coming out and admitting that they have it. I appreciated Catherine Zeta-Jones’ candid admission a couple of years ago but she’s one of few. We have a HomeSafe office in Washington State, too, and I plan to learn more about them and write a piece about what they do. Your stories about your dad are so great. He was a special man to stay with you and your brother when you were kids. Thanks so much for your comment, Mary.