In December, I turn 50. Along with the ravages that only gravity can inflict comes an acknowledgment: even at the half-century mark, I’m not finished doing the work to emotionally integrate the trauma that happened in my life when I was a kid.
I’m not completely surprised. After my essay was published in the New York Times in June (and I promise you, this is the first and last time I’m going to use that line), in addition to the hundreds of online comments, I received about as many reader emails (I’m waving at y’all who signed up to my list after that). What I heard, over and over again, was that those who had traumatic childhoods are still working on their stuff, still figuring it out, in their 60s, and 70s, and 80s.
For those of you in your 20s, 30s and 40s, please don’t let this bum you out, although it may. I was a bit overwhelmed initially by my realization. There’s a relief in knowing, though, because then you can do something about it. In so many ways, when we’re dealing with trauma, the knowing is half the battle.
For example, I went to therapy regularly from 1985 to 2002. It wasn’t until 10 years ago, however, when I was at couples therapy with the hubster, that I heard the word “trauma” applied to my childhood experience. “That must have been traumatic for you,” the therapist said, in response to an anecdote I provided. A jolt went through my body. No truer words had been spoken, and my body recognized that.
When I think back to what I talked about in those other 17 years with five or so therapists, it was mostly about how to keeping myself functioning, because sometimes, I wasn’t. I’m not sure I ever told the stories of *exactly* what happened when I was a kid. I talked about “crazy mom” and “she yelled a lot” and, later, “she’s mentally ill,” but I never got into the details. I’m not saying that details must be shared in therapy in order to access healing and integration, but when they aren’t shared, I’m wondering if it’s because there’s a “glossing over” that’s happening. A minimization.
I believe that a lot of trauma survivors unconsciously minimize what happened to them. It may be because of dissociation, or shame, or as a coping mechanism for pain. The end result, though, is that our bodies know what happened, and that it was some serious shit, even if our minds are all like, “yeah, so, then Mom stalked me for two years, but whatever, it didn’t stop me from doing anything I wanted to do.” Our bodies will respond in myriad ways. I’ve had back pain for three years that no well-trained and highly paid professional has been able to figure out. How’s your body doing?
While annoying, my back pain is actually the lesser of my concern. I’ve also still got fight-flight-freeze responses to even teeny-tiny things, and that kind of ongoing stress-hormone release is just not good, especially when it’s been repeating for 50 YEARS. (Frig, how did that happen?) The stress response wears down the immune system, and has the potential to cause big problems. Something tells me I’m not the only trauma survivor in this catamaran.
So happy birthday to me, I’m back in therapy, and I might soon be booking a little holiday to EMDR land, because I’ve heard firsthand from friends and peers that it’s an effective therapy for PTSD and complex PTSD. And survivors of horrible childhoods, if you’ve never heard of complex PTSD before, please click this Wiki link. Again, I was late to the party in learning about what it is and how it differs from PTSD, but holy smokes, it really fits the bill.
I’m also reading Bessel van der Kolk’s groundbreaking book The Body Keeps the Score. I’d used a couple of chapters in it as part of my research for a piece I wrote on neurofeedback a couple of years ago, but this time I’m going cover to cover. I highly recommend this book. It’s like a best friend that totally gets you. I could almost hug it. Maybe I will tomorrow.
Have you had any a-ha moments about trauma, how to integrate it, and why for fill-in-the-blank years you’ve downplayed the trauma of your childhood experience as less than Cleaver-like but not fully Carrie-ish?
Marie Bailey says
I think that thanks to the groper-in-chief, a lot of us are re-experiencing trauma we thought we had long suppressed. Not that I think suppression is a good thing, but, personally, the Kavanaugh hearings were not the best way to be re-confronted with memories that I had long buried. The upside might be that you, I, and countless others will willingly (and willfully) confront our past traumas and try to get the better of them. I heard about EDMR many years ago when I was a grad student in social work, visiting with other students and alumni at a friend’s house. I remember very well another student–who had graduated and was practicing as a clinical social work in another state–talking about EDMR, how she had been skeptical but studied it anyway and found it to be effective. In private, a couple of other students “pooh-poohed” her enthusiasm, but I never forgot it. You see, years before, Julie had been a volunteer with a social justice mission in Nicaragua. She had been raped there and had risked her life for her cause, crossing paths with government-backed militias. For a class assignment, she proposed a hypothetical therapeutic intervention for a general who was suffering PTSD for the crimes he committed. To me, Julie was what social work was supposed to be about, and so if she said she thought EDMR had merit, I believed her. I hope it works for you. Turning 50 should be something you look forward to and embrace. I really enjoyed 50 and, frankly, would have liked to have stayed 50 forever 😉 But time marches on (or slogs, depending on my mood). And, yes, I’ve often downplayed my trauma because someone always has had it worse than me. Andy, yet I know that the lingering effects are enough to still trip me up 60 years on. I want to be aware of how past traumatic experiences affect me, but I don’t want them to rule me. I feel like I am so much more than the sum of those experiences, and yet they weigh the most.
Laura Zera says
Ack, your last sentence. Yes, totally.
I appreciate your input on EMDR. I meant to ask my therapist about it this morning but forgot. What we did talk about, though, is that even after trying so many therapies and modalities, it’s a *good* thing that there are still things to try that can help me, or you, feel better. We’re not out of options, in other words. Sometimes it feels like just a giant pain in the butt to go off and start again with something new, but really, it’s better than the alternative.
Lots of love to you, Marie. xo
Marie Bailey says
Lots of love to you, too, Laura. I’m glad your therapist is also open to trying new methods. One size does not fit all. xo
Jeri says
I thought I’d made a decent amount of peace with my childhood issues involving that crazy mother of mine, but not even. It took the upheaval of being abandoned by my spouse, going through breast cancer, and then breaking up with an addict who had a lot of the same issues as my ex to realize how much the trauma of being an “unmothered” child has shaped me and continues to shape me. I keep hinting and joking with my therapist that I want to graduate, but she just keeps sticking by my side. And that continued flight-flight-freeze response? If I had to pinpoint anything, it would be that inflammation caused by a lifetime of stress and the over-the-top push of the huge stressor known as Adios Dirtbag that pushed me over the edge and made my cells go haywire and become cancerous. Understanding and making a degree of peace with such trauma really is a lifetime of work. You are so going to rock 50!
Laura Zera says
Jeri, it can be really kind of a slap in the face to realize there’s still more work to do when you’ve already done so much, hey? I have been reminding myself that there’s a lot of ground to cover, and some modalities work part of the way but not all the way (like talk therapy, which is why I’m investigating EMDR). But you are like me, there’s no other option but to push on and keep trying. As for your health hypothesis, it sounds like a pretty plausible scenario.
I’m so glad for your support, and to be a support when you need it. xox
Amit says
Dear Laura, Thank you again for penning that deeply personal piece in the NYT. It touched a deep chord within me, as I wrote to you at the time.
I’ve heard from many that EMDR has been a great gift; I hope it will be a balm for you too.
Finally (!!) I too started reading Van der Kolk from the beginning – with such a long list of others to follow – Levine, Mate, Ogden, Lanius, etc…and now, Dr Burke Harris’ new release (oh, how that word suits.)
Many blessings on your 50th!
Laura Zera says
Hello Amit! Great to hear from you. Hope all is well in Bali!
You’ve built a great list of authors as resources. Please let me know if any knock your flip-flops off in the same way that Van der Kolk’s book has for me.
How is your book coming?
Val says
I hope you find the healing and the way to deal with the trauma, Lara. Stress is an insidious life destroyer. When it comes to surviving mothers, I am in the ‘me too’ group as well. I think there’s quite a tendency to follow traumatic childhood with traumatic marriage almost as a consequence. It’s all we know to some extent and it’s happened to so many others I know too, it can’t be coincidence. Happy birthday, dear!
Laura Zera says
Hello Val, nice to “see” you here, but I’m sorry that we have that element in common. What I’m learning is that having a traumatic childhood affects everything about the way I see the world, and people in it, and it’s just now that I’m slowing down and paying more attention to that. It’s painful when I’m in the middle of it, but it can be very interesting if I can step back and look at it objectively. It’s so easy to go for years and years on auto-pilot without picking up on the mis-wired thought patterns that we’ve brought with us due to the disrupted development of our formative years.
Thanks for the birthday wishes! Hope all is well in your part of the world. xo
Val says
Good that you’re paying attention now, Lara. Many of us leave it too late. I am fine, though. My watery world is a great source of inspiration, tranquillity and occupation 🙂
Deborah says
I have struggled with my mental health all my life, now 37, and had a lot of time off work sick. After seeing general counsellors
and psychiatric nurses for around 5 years, on and off medication with no real answers, I remembered an old negative sexual experience and thought haha! that must be the source. But really that was just a byproduct of my circumstances rather than the cause. I self referred to a service for survivors of rape and sexual abuse however while i have had experience of that, it was the insidious relationship with my mother which was hurting the most. And she was still in my life, manipulating and controlling me. This time I was seeing an actual Psychotherapist experienced in childhood trauma and we did a few sessions of EMDR then a lot of me talking, breathing exercises, how to relax and to feel safe in my own body. I had never spoken about my unhealthy traumatic childhood, i didn’t know any better, mostly caused by my mum which included neglect, leaving me isolated and lonely, lack of food, clothing or stimulation, not allowed to go outside and play and constant state of fear. I was an only child, she was a single parent and I had been told it was us against the world. I can now remember and face the things that happened and I know I am worthy of and deserve my own fulfilling life and that I am not an extension of her there to be used for her benefit. Being happy is okay and I’m not going to be punished for laughing or smiling. I do not hate my mother, I have pity for her and her childhood was also traumatic but she could not and would not change so I had to let her go mentally. After physically escaping and the feelings of joy I can allow myself to have now, is the most precious and wonderful feeling and I will cherish and protect my new way of life <3.
Laura Zera says
Deborah, first off, I’m so sorry it took me so long to see your comment. I left for a backpacking trip on the same day you wrote it, so it slipped past me. That said, greetings from Western Sahara! I’m typing from a cafe in a town called Cabo Bojador!
Thank you for sharing some of your story, and I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through, as I can well relate. But congratulations to you on relentlessly pursuing a better life. You did a lot of work, and I’m so glad you’re stronger and happier for it. As you said, absolutely hold tight to the “you” who you know you are, and all that you deserve. Again, from experience, I know it sounds easier than it is sometimes, but you’re on the right road.
Laura
Xo
Laura says
Hi, Laura (from another Laura :)),
For months I have been meaning to stop back by and ask if you ever booked your “little holiday to EMDR land”, and, if so, how your trip was/is?
In around 2012, I began ~3.5 years of EMDR for C-PTSD–this after being in and out of various types of psychotherapy since I was 20. It was a tremendous use of my time and energy (and co-pays). Seriously changed my life. I am NOT the woman I was before EMDR–I’m more me than ever before. Because much of my trauma is the result of being raised by a mother with what I believe to be undiagnosed mental health issues (which I guess are due her own childhood trauma that I have no evidence of but strongly suspect), I still have a ways to go and am once again in therapy to help untangle some of that psychic mess. Nonetheless, if I never went to therapy again, my life still would have been greatly improved by the EMDR. So when I saw this post that you were considering trying it, I was glad for you and curious about how it would work for you.
So, how about a blog post re: your EMDR experience (if you’ve already begun it, that is)?
By the way, I’m one of the folks who subscribed/followed after seeing your article in the NYT. I messaged you about it and–lo and behold–you took the time to message back! Thank you for that. Based on what I’ve read in your article, this site, and your social media, I believe we are kindred spirits in more than just name :).
Cheers,
Laura
Laura Zera says
Hi Laura! So great to hear from you. The email you sent me last summer was just the best! And it was so helpful to find the Aces Connection site, too. I’ve since referred quite a few people to it.
Thank you for sharing about your EMDR experience. I haven’t yet tried it, but still want to. Really, it’s been down to managing existing health/medical costs and staying within our means, which is hard because our insurance has a $5100 deductible each, so until we hit that, we’re pretty much all out of pocket. I’ve been seeing my therapist (for trauma-informed therapy) weekly lately, and I did about five sessions of energy healing work earlier this year, which felt really good, though I feel like the effects are wearing off and I need to go back. I’ve also been looking into something else that my therapist recommended, which is RO-DBT (she offers neither of these two treatments, so I’d need to seek out new practitioners).
I’m so glad that EMDR had such a positive effect for you and you feel forever changed for the better. I’ll be honest, the 3.5 years part freaks me out a bit. But I think I also need to reconcile the fact that I will likely always be making my biggest investments of my life, time and money, into mental health treatment. It’s just what it takes, isn’t it?
p.s. you’re the second person today who has said “untangling” in reference to the mess or the threads. C-PTSD really feels like a tangled mess. Maybe because it’s just a few steps away from DID. I don’t know. But there is most definitely untangling to be done.
Good luck, and I hope you’ll keep in touch! Enjoy the summer. xo