I haven’t posted much lately, but it’s not just my blog to which my recent rut of doom has extended. Depression doesn’t judge or pick favorites. It squashes everything – gym time, social outings, work motivation, romanticalness and creativity. It asphyxiates joy. It really sucks.
This isn’t a sad blog post, I promise. But I do have a few things I want to say to those who are going through depression at this exact second.
I know how hard it is to believe things will get better. Hold on to the idea-pillow that how you feel right now is not how you will feel forever. Take comfort by reflecting on who you really are—seek evidence from your past–and that you will return to your old self. One day, it will be easier again, and you will laugh, and greet strangers, and have energy, and think, “life is astounding and awesome.”
At the same time, life is a gig that requires stubborn persistence, both to get through depression, and to realize dreams. You must repeat the word “persistence” to yourself at least 106 times a day until it takes a permanent seat at your dinner sofa.
Two examples where persistence actually worked the fuck out
At the end of 2016, I wrote I was doubling my medication dose to try and get over the depression hump. It worked for a short while, and then it didn’t and I felt like a steaming pile of self-loathing shit. But if there’s one thing I’ve realized in all these years of paying attention to my mood, it’s that OHMYGOD, human beings are complicated.
Our parts are so interconnected that a twitch can tip something out of balance. It’s a never-ending puzzle, waiting for us to piece it together. Some days, this feels like an adventure, which is when you strike while the iron is hot, and other days, an affliction, which is when you nap.
Recently, iron hot, I laid down cash for gene testing. Lo and behold, I have a specific (A1298C) gene mutation that severely limits my body’s ability to metabolize folate, an essential B vitamin. It’s also linked to depression and nervous system issues. Long story short, I started taking a prescription dose (7.5 mg) of L-methyfolate (the active form of folate), which is actually used for treatment-resistant depression. After only a few days, my mood and energy have shifted enormously. And this has occurred because my naturopathic doctor hung in there, and I held on to the baby-blanket-ragged faith that there was more to discover about neurodiverse me.
Now for the depressed writer (I know a lot of you personally): I have an essay about a life-altering encounter that I’ve been working on for years. I wrote the first draft in early 2013. I wrote the second draft in 2014. I finally submitted it in January 2015. It was rejected. I tried news magazines and they said it was too literary. I tried literary magazines and they said it wasn’t deep enough. Last August, I had an editor at one lit mag offer to read it a second time if I made (his suggested) revisions. I gave it a shot; he rejected it again. Some writing friends critiqued the essay and I did more revisions. I submitted it to more places and received more rejections. Then I met the editor in person at a conference, and he offered to read it a third time. I worked on it for another month and sent it off to him, the essay’s twelfth submission in all.
It was accepted (and will be published in April). It was accepted because I didn’t give up on it.
My dopamine-deprived pals, the thing to note here is that my internal monologue is often that I’m not good enough for what it is that I desire. I can easily be the person who takes her toys and clears out of the sandbox if things don’t go her way. I did it in 1995 when I wanted an international development job in Vancouver and couldn’t find one. I did it again in 2007 when I wanted an international microfinance job in Seattle and came in second for two different roles. Gave up. Shut it down. Moved on.
Except the thing is, you never really move on. If that thing you want is part of your heart and soul, it will stick harder than the double-sided tape on Jennifer Lopez’s boobs during the 2000 Grammy Awards.
If you have a peach pit of faith in something, despite the “stated” odds, or a feeling that as crazy as your particular notion seems, it is meant to be, hang on to it. Hang the fuck on. Feed it and stoke it and dress it in a warm, fuzzy kangaroo onesie so it never leaves. Do not give up. Please. To give up on it is to give up on you.
This faith stuff isn’t easily explained. It’s a tad mysterious. It’s also our roadmap. You just have to listen for it inside you. And, yes, drive with your headlights off and your contact lenses out. I know, it’s a ridiculous, skewed, illogical test, all to learn something that you screwed up in another life. But can you name a better reason for being here?
We need you to not give up. At the end, I’ll mail you a $25 Visa gift card. I promise.
Images courtesy of Unsplash
Heidi says
I’m so happy to read this! Good on you for persevering. I totally get being a ‘medical mystery’ and can appreciate the struggle….love that you are willing to share with all of us so we can learn and win in our own way! Look forward to reconnecting one day!
Laura Zera says
Thank you, Heidi! I’m so happy you stopped by, and I hope that all is going superbly in your corner of the country. xox
Deborah Cameron Bennis says
Read your blog, and send my love to you for being able to not accept the life within the box. To think and explore outside the box gives clues to what I call “logical illogical”. The why’s that seem logical are manifested as illogical when the neuro system is compromised – not an easy process to unravel. I am thankful that you have someone that does not accept the “norm” instead looks for the illogical answers. It does not surprise me that you have that inner faith to fight and compassion to share your story for that is who I know you as and even depression can not take this part of you away, so proud of you Congratulations on your perseverance in re-editing your article in order for it to be published enabling so many to benefit from your words.
Laura Zera says
I’m deeply touched that you read my post and took the time to leave such a thoughtful and lovely message. Thank you. xo
Marie Bailey says
Laura, your post resonated with me on so many levels! I’ve shared it on my Facebook page and added: It is so true that logically I know no matter how bad I feel right now, I will eventually feel better. Oftentimes that is cold comfort since I don’t know when I’ll feel better, just that I will. I will admit, though, that the knowledge I’ll wake up one day and inexplicably feel brighter and happier to be alive is what keeps me going. It’s always there, always just within my grasp.
Congratulations on your publication! How many times do we writers need to reminded that all writers, in particular the ones who persist and persevere, often had submissions rejected many times before the stars aligned and the submission got accepted? Good for you that you didn’t give up.
And thank you (many times over) for sharing your struggle with depression. That was insightful of you to have DNA testing and how wonderful that adding a supplement is helping. Just goes to show that, yes, it’s complicated 🙂
Laura Zera says
Marie, I know exactly what you mean when you say “cold comfort,” and even then, it’s something to hold on to. I’ll sometimes say to myself (or out loud) “I look forward to feeling joy again,” or something like that.
Ohmygawrsh, my rejections probably pale in comparison to some others. I’ve heard some pretty brutal stories! A wise person once told me that “yes” lives in the land of “no,” and so when you look at it that way, it’s a numbers game. Keep rolling the dice!
Thank you for being here! xo
Jeri says
As you know, I am all about hanging the fuck on. Seriously. People keep asking me how I do it. I don’t know. I just do. I know there’s always something on the other side of the slump. And so we fight. Granted, I’m a bit sick of persisting. I would like to thrive.
Laura Zera says
Yes, you are, and I have full admiration for how you cope with whatever life throws at you (did you drown kittens in a previous life or something?). You have so much to share and teach others that your time of thriving (again) will come. I know this. xo
Molly Greene says
Love you, girlfriend.
Laura Zera says
🙂
Love you, too. xo
Ana says
Ahhh..Laura! Just beautiful, raw and so right on. I very much appreciate your perspective and willingness to dig and dig and share. This is the kind of vulnerability that we need…for connection. Isn’t that what we are wired for? So they say.
Laura Zera says
Hi Ana, I’m so happy to “see” you here as you’ve been on my mind. I read a great piece by Martha Beck in a recent issue of O Magazine and it made me think of you. If I can find it again, I’ll scan it and send it to you.
Thanks for your kind words, and yes, we’re most definitely wired for connection!! xo
Gillian says
Hi Laura,
Good for you, Congratulations.
Thank you for sharing this. It is very timely for me. I’ve slipped much deeper recently than I have in many years. Just trying to remember all my tools for self care to try to dig myself back out. Persistence is a good word to remember, thank you. Logically I do know that this will eventually pass, just not when. In the meantime, I will continue to push myself through each day.
I have been thinking of taking a DNA test. I heard about 23andMe, is that the one you used? I will return to being more consistent in taking my B vitamins just in case.
On the positive side of things, I’m starting to wonder if this may be an opportunity to make some changes in my life, pursue a different path. Not sure, but there may be a seedling of an idea starting to grow in that speck of light at the other side of this tunnel.
Laura Zera says
Hi Gillian! I’m sorry to hear you’ve been on that side of it lately. I know that logic doesn’t really make you feel better, and not knowing the “when” can be awfully scary. Just got to hang on to that stupid, stubborn, blind persistence. It’s hard, though, and I’m sending good energy and hugs your way.
Yes, I did 23andMe. They provide a set of canned reports, but then when you go into their Tools section, there’s a link for accessing and downloading your raw data. That’s where the bounty of information is found. The raw data is a text file, but from using Google, you can find all kinds of sites that will import it and make it into a readable format (which is then how you can find info on the MTHFR genes). If you do decide to do it and need help sorting out the data, just send me a note and I’ll walk you through it.
Gillian says
Hi Laura, thanks for the feedback and the good energy. It’s also good to to have someone who understands what you’re going through. Someone who knows that you’re not just making excuses. Yet someone who also inspires you. I’ll just keep pushing forward. I recently watched a video about the difference between self confidence and self esteem – both of which take a beating when I’m depressed – and how to strengthen your self esteem. So that has helped me to refocus my thinking recently. Plus, I’ve always said you can’t give up, because you just don’t know what is around the next corner. Due to one of life’s funny twists, I’m actually grateful for the hope I’ve gained from the results of repeating this cycle several times. Now I have the benefit of knowing that some of my best and often life changing experiences have happened, when I finally turned that corner and came out of the dark.
Thank you for your hugs and encouragement. Good luck with your own ongoing journey of persistence.
Also, thanks for the inside scoop on 23andMe. I’ll give it a try and let you know how it goes.
I can’t wait to read about your own “life-altering encounter”when it is published.
Gillian says
Oops Sorry, I didn’t mean for this message to be even longer than the first one.
I’ve been told I’m too verbose.
Laura Zera says
Haaa! Not at all. I interviewed someone recently and they said, “I have to warn you, you ask me what time it is and I’m going to tell you about who invented the clock.” I love that!
Gillian says
Haha, that gave me a much needed giggle. Thanks.
I can definitely relate to your interviewee. At work if some one asks me a question about the Celts, I have to be careful or I’m prone to give them either a History of the Celtic tribes in Europe or a History of Civilization, lol.
Laura Zera says
🙂 🙂
Laura Zera says
You’re amazing, Gillian!! And I was JUST thinking this afternoon about how my self-esteem takes such a beating during depressive cycles. I actually even was wondering if there was a way I could do a survey to query people who suffer from depression and find out if they are chronically lower on the overall self-esteem meter than those who don’t have depressive cycles. Because not only does mine take a beating, I don’t think it ever fully recovers.
Keep on keeping on. xox
Kris McCann says
Let us know when your “life-altering encounter” is published. I want to read it!!
Laura Zera says
Will do, Kris. Thanks!